THE JOY OF BAITING

BY

TOM MOLLOY

<>I confess that I am an incurable, unreformed baiter. My wife thinks of baiting as putting people down. I think of it as giving people the chance to be amusing. I am not going to define “baiting” because from the examples below it will be clear what the term means. Let m share some of my baiting adventures with you. <>

Geographic Mischief: When people hear that I spent two years in Somalia, their curiosity often leads to questions. The most frequently asked question is, “Where is Somalia?” A few months ago, two elementary school teachers asked me this question at a social gathering. Earlier in the evening, these two had expressed their revealing opinion that IQ test scores were meaningless. People who have high IQ scores generally don’t disparage these tests. The stage was set. The temptation to bait was irresistible. I looked around and the coast was clear because my wife was nowhere in sight. To tell the truth, I was rather irked that two teachers, even those with a low IQ, didn’t know where Somalia was. I responded that Somalia was bordered by France in the North, Paraguay in the East and Latvia in the West. They nodded appreciatively. An acquaintance wincing at my specious geography looked at me as if I had lost my mind. A few minutes later our two aspiring geographers retreated into the crowd. I winked at him and walked away. <>

Bagger Baiting: Once in a while I like to enliven the supermarket experience. When we buy gallon containers of water, the bagger usually asks, “Would you like your water in a bag? I usually answer, “No, thank you”. But when I have the urge to bait, I answer, “No, don’t put the water in a bag, leave it in the bottles. Those plastic bags leak.” The baggers’ reactions vary from ignoring the dotty old fool to giving explanations in baby-talk. <>

THOSE WHO LIVE BY THE SWORD……........................................

If you engage in baiting, you must be prepared to get as good or better than you give. The next two baiting episodes illustrate this point.

<>So Much for Dumb Blonde Jokes. A few years ago, on the checkout line at the supermarket, I discovered that I had forgotten my debit card at home. Fortunately, I had my checkbook. I handed the check to a very pretty young blonde cashier. She said she needed my phone number to write it on the check. I told her that I didn’t give out my phone number because women fought to get it and besieged me with phone calls. She didn’t bat an eye. In a very professional manner, she replied that she really had to have my telephone number. I gave it to her. As she handed me the receipt, she leaned towards me and whispered, “I promise I won’t call you.” Ouch! <>

Flight Attendant’s Revenge. Years ago on an Eastern Airlines flight, the flight attendant (at that time called a stewardess) served me a piece of chicken that had a sickly grey pallor. I called the flight attendant back, pointed out the ghastly appearance of the chicken and remarked to her that I would like to see the chicken’s autopsy report. The attendant replied, “Sir, there’s no need for an autopsy report. It died of fright when it saw what was sitting in your seat. Pow!

<>Two personal favorites:

Baiting the Boss: In the early 90s I traveled to several countries in the Far East with my boss, a brilliant man, who was a very inexperienced traveler. We finished our visits and took a long, tiring, overnight flight to Hawaii, where we were scheduled to spend two days being debriefed. We got off the plane and headed towards the baggage claim area. As we passed a currency exchange booth, I said to my boss, “If you don’t have any local currency, you had better get at least $100 worth of “luaus”. He thanked me for my solicitude and headed to the exchange booth window. It’s a good thing he had a sense of humor.

<>General Baiting: Several months ago I found myself seated next to a retired general on a plane. He was a great conversationalist. I really enjoyed our discussion of current events. At a lull in the conversation, he said that, once beverage service began, he would like to offer me a beer. At this point I received an inspiration from the Baiting Muse. I replied, “General I’d love a beer, but the medicine I take for blood pressure doesn’t mix well with alcohol. I told him that several months ago, the last time I drank beer, I became insanely aggressive and attacked a man. I added that I had bitten part of the man’s ear off. They hadn’t made him a general for nothing. He immediately concluded that it would be best if I had a soft drink instead. Much to the general’s chagrin, when the flight attendant asked what I wanted to drink, I told her the general had offered me a beer and I would take him up on his kind offer. I can’t describe the look on his face. He muttered something about rest room and started to get up. I burst out laughing and explained that I been putting him on. <>

And life goes on as I strive to become a master baiter..